敬请告知父母本集为科教片
飞出个未来字幕组倾情奉献
《飞出个未来》诚意奉献 Futurama presents...
《Mutual of Omicron 狂野宇宙》 Mutual of omicron's wild universe
由 Mutual of Omicron 出品 brought to you by mutual of omicron...
保证您的世界和您世界的毁灭 insuring your world, and its destruction.
今晚出场的星球: 一滩原始的死水 名曰… Tonight's planet: A primitive backwater known only as...
地球 Earth.
翻译: 二泉葫芦娃 白雲滄狗
校对: 井木犴 后期 & 压制: SuperBrother
在所有的地球生物中 Of all the creatures on earth,
没有谁的生命周期比勇敢的三文鱼更惊心动魄 none has a more thrilling life cycle than the intrepid salmon.
故事发生在一条寒冷的淡水溪中 It all begins in a cold, freshwater stream,
正是三文鱼孵化的地方 where the salmon eggs incubate.
我出生啦 哦耶 I'm born, baby!
刚孵化出来的这些叫Fry The new hatchlings are known as "Fry."
你叫什么名字? What's your name?
我没有名字 我是条三文鱼 I don't have a name. I'm a salmon.
在溪水中经历了三年的成长 After three years in the stream,
年轻的三文鱼已为游向海洋的艰巨旅行做好了准备 the young salmon are ready for the arduous journey to the ocean.
我很期望在浪花中嬉闹一番 I do look forward to cavorting in the spray.
旅程很危险 The trip will be dangerous.
只有三成能幸存 Only three in ten will survive.
我们十个一起去吧 Let's all ten of us go together.
人多安全 There's safety in numbers.
估计我把这货反刍到儿子嘴里时 他一定会很高兴 I reckon my boy will be right pleased when I regurgitate that into his mouth.
前方是自然瀑布 Looming ahead: Nature's waterfall,
也是水中的悬崖 the cliff of the waters.
被这水流刷的真爽 Ah, it sure is relaxing getting swept along by this current.
我的天 Oh my!
亲爱的 Oh dear!
好爽 Oh yes!
刚来的消息 This just in.
三条三文鱼死于泡沫跳水 Three dead in foamy plunge.
十个里还有六个活着 Still, six out of ten alive.
对我们的种族来说还是件好事 That's considered good for our species!
十个里活五个也不错 Five out of ten, also nice.
对头 Ayup.
三文鱼来到了海洋 And so the salmon reach the ocean,
这里是一切生命的起源地 birthplace of all life.
除了三文鱼自己 Except the salmon.
你好 你是谁? Uh, hello. Who are you?
- 我是条三文鱼 - 真的? 我也是 - I'm a salmon. - Really? Me too!
这么巧 No way!
我并不想太直接 但是… I don't want to be too forward, but...
几年以后等我们都性成熟了 我想和你交配 I'd like to mate with you in a few years when we're sexually mature.
好呀 I'd like that.
呼呼 这位尤物是谁 Coho, what have we here?
我是一条 I'm a pieces.
你呢? 也是一条 And you? Also pieces.
- 我们都是一条 - 那这就是约会了 - We're all pieces. - Then it's a date.
我们产卵期再会 I'll see you at spawning time.
不需要了 No, thanks.
我已经有伴了 I've already found my mate.
我哪点还没被你忽略够呢 You haven't ignored the last of me...
性成熟后 三文鱼就到了产卵的时候了 Having reached maturity, it is time for the salmon to spawn.
于是它们开始了长达1000英里的旅程 Thus begins their 1000-mile journey
回游到它们出生的那条淡水溪 back to the exact stream in which they were born.
对了 我们怎么回去? So how do we find our way home?
没人知道 Nobody knows!
专家们不确定 Experts are unsure
三文鱼是靠天生的记忆 还是靠嗅觉 whether salmon navigate by memory, sense of smell,
或是靠探测地球磁场的变化来辨认方向的 or by detecting variations in earth's magnetic field.
每人照专家说的三种方法中的一种做就可以了 Okay, everybody do one of those three things.
到了 就是这儿 well, this is it.
故乡啊 淡水溪故乡 Home, stream home.
不 不是这儿 No, it isn't!
我是在旁边的溪里出生的 I was born in the next stream up!
你是在隔壁溪出生的? You're from next stream up?
我也是 So am I!
我可以用脑袋里的磁场探测器确定 I can tell by the magnets in my head, or whatever.
我们走吧 Let's go!
产卵的欲求促使三文鱼不屈不挠回到它们出生的河流 The urge to spawn drives the salmon inexorably toward the stream of its birth.
死蠢的身体 Stupid body!
你怎么就不肯走旁边这条道? Why won't you go to that other stream?
没人知道 Nobody knows!
我刚不是说了吗? I just told you!
再见 Goodbye!
和你一起成长很快乐 It was fun maturing with you,
但在生命周期的这个点上 but at this point in my life cycle,
交配时三文鱼喷射精子和卵子
我需要一个在喷射范围以内的配偶 I need a mate who's within squirting distance.
我永远不会忘记你… 鱼儿 I'll never forget you... fish.
来吧 美女 Come on, loxy lady,
是时候响应自然的召唤了 it's time for us to get naughty by nature!
不 No!
终于要轮到我了 Well, here goes something...
跳不过去 跳不过去 Don't make it... Don't make it!
你个死鱼崽子 Son of a fish!
衰货才用跳的呢 Jumping is for suckers.
我真行 Oh, I'm good!
谁想尝试一下? Who wants a piece of me?
我想尝尝 I'll try a bite!
完成了充满危险的旅途之后 Having completed its perilous journey,
筋疲力尽的三文鱼进入到生命的最后阶段 the exhausted salmon enters the final phase of its life cycle.
雌鱼产下卵 The female deposits her eggs
雄鱼使卵受精 and the male fertilizes them.
好了 下一个是谁? Okay, who's next?
剩下的还有很多 There's a lot more where that came from!
我再也见不到他们了 I can't see them any more!
如果他们正在交配怎么办? What if they're mating?
管它呢 Who cares?
赶紧排出精液吧 Just release your milt already!
大家都在这么做 Everybody's doing it!
不 No!
我不会排出任何东西 I refuse to release anything
除非是排到我爱的鱼的卵上 unless it's in the vicinity of the eggs of the fish I love!
告诉子孙们 我爱我 Tell my offspring I loved me...
很爱 Very much...
很好 Oh, yeah.
蛋蛋们掉下来啦 Plop those roundies.
好了 靠边 All right, step aside.
是时候让我淘气的小蝌蚪们出来了 Time to let my bad boys loose.
我是Brrr 鱼和蜂蜜的吞噬者 I am brrr, devourer of fish and honey!
亲爱的 我来了 I'm coming, darling!
也许我不该… Hm, I shouldn't...
但又没人看到 But who's counting?
鱼警官: 80年代末连载于漫威漫画杂志
救命 鱼警官 Help! Fish police!
一餐吃两条三文鱼? Two salmon for dinner?
咋啦 这是产卵季嘛 What? It's spawning season!
熊的节日 It's a bear holiday!
你发现那些童子军时也是这么说的 That is what you said when you found those boy scouts!
接下来你就会说我不能在林子里拉屎 Next you'll be telling me I can't crap in the woods!
够了 That's it!
今年冬天我们分洞冬眠 We're hibernating in separate caves this winter!
亲爱的 My love!
你… 居然来了 You... you made it!
你克服了三文鱼本能 为了我离开你的小溪 You overcame salmon instinct and left your home stream for me!
现在你可以让我的卵受精了吗? So are you gonna fertilize my eggs now?
已经弄好了 Already taken care of.
我们游走又游回来 Well, we swam away and then we came back.
真是有趣的一生 It's been an interesting life.
最棒的是 有个大团圆结局 And the best part is, it had a happy ending.
就这样 永不止息的生命轮回走到了尽头 And so the endless circle of life comes to an end,
冷酷无情 又毫无意义 meaningless and grim.
他们为何而生 又为何而死? Why did they live, and why did they die?
没有理 No reason.
平塔岛象龟
与世隔绝的加拉帕格斯群岛 The isolated Galápagos islands.
鲜活地上演着进化论的舞台 A veritable pageant of evolutionary science.
栖息着许多在别处无处可寻的物种 Home to dozens of species found nowhere else,
例如达尔文雀 such as Darwin's finches,
和海鬣蜥 and the marine iguana.
还有蓝脚塘鹅 Also the blue-footed booby!
很有趣的哦 That's fairly interesting!
看这蓝色的… Note the blue coloration of the...
在加拉帕格斯的所有物种中 Of all the creatures in the Galápagos,
没有比平塔岛象龟更稀有 更不幸的了 none is rarer or more tragic than the Pinta island tortoise.
已知仅剩一只象龟存活于世 Only a single living specimen is known to exist:
独孤Hubert Lonesome Hubert.
坏消息 各位 Sad news, everyone.
我很孤独 I'm lonesome.
如果我们帮你抓虫子会让你好受点咩? Hey, would it cheer you up if we gave you a symbiotic parasite cleaning?
会咩 会咩 会咩? Would it? Would it? Would it?
好吧 你们别客气 Fine, knock yourself out.
加拉帕格斯的麻雀们 The Galápagos finches
清理了象龟皮肤上的寄生虫 eat parasites off the tortoise's skin,
一种双赢的模式 a mutually beneficial arrangement.
除了寄生虫 Except for the parasite!
怎么样Hubert? 觉得好点了吗? How's that, Hubert? Feeling better?
舒服的清理通常都能让我振作起来 A good beaking usually cheers me right up,
但今天却没用 but today it's no use.
我这一族就快灭绝了 My species is as good as extinct.
我都100多年没见过一只同族的雌龟了 I haven't seen a female of my kind in over 100 years!
肯定会有一只雌龟在哪里等你的 Hubert There's got to be a lady tortoise out there for you, Hubert.
她怎么样? What about her?
嗨 帅哥 Hey, good lookin',
我这里有地衣让你舔 I've got a lichen that needs a lickin'.
你疯了吗? Are you crazy?
她是一只稍有不同的亚种 She's a slightly different subspecies!
她脖子周围壳的反光 跟我略有不同 See how her shell flares imperceptibly at the neck?
说到兴奋收缩我就头痛 Ooh... talk about a cloaca shrinker.
那你就从没见过哪只雌龟 Well, haven't you ever met a girl tortoise
跟你是完全同一个亚种的吗? who had that whole "same subspecies" thing going on?
其实见过的 Oh my, yes.
在我还是个50岁的年轻象龟时 When I was a young tortoise of 50
我在岛上另一边的玉檀香树下 遇见过一只年轻性感的雌龟 I met a hot young piece of shell by a palo santo tree on the far side of the island.
我们去找她 走吧 走吧 走吧 Let's go look for her! C'Mon, c'Mon, c'Mon!
我一直在想 她是不是还在那里等我 I've always wondered if she's still there, waiting for me.
但路程实在是太远了 But the trip is far too long.
才100英尺而已 It's only 100 feet!
在我这年纪 At my age,
这就像是200英尺 it might as well be 200 feet.
我肯定办不到 I'd never make it!
来吧 你可以的 一定可以 Come on, you can make it! You can do it!
别再犹豫了 走吧 走吧 Get out of your shell. Do it, do it!
好吧 容我好好想想 Well, let me think it over.
我们走得了 Let's go already!
当心 Watch out!
什么风把你们吹到岛的这边来了? What brings yous to this part of the isleseses?
他要吃了我们 He's gonna eat us!
别胆小得跟麻雀似的 Don't be such a Finch.
我们加拉帕格斯象龟是没有天敌的 We Galápagos tortoises have no natural predators.
那真是太好了 That's so fascinating!
18个月后
真没想到我还能活着再见到这颗树 I never thought I'd live to see this tree again.
谢谢你陪着我 Fry Thank you for staying with me, Fry.
我不是Fry I'm not Fry.
我是他的曾曾孙… Fry I'm his great-great grandson... Fry.
啥…? Whuh...?
我的喙都不一样了 看 My beak is different, see?
几代之后它进化得更弯了 It evolved a slightly bigger hook over the generations,
好方便我吃岛上这边的仙人掌 to help me eat the cactus on this part of the island.
看 Watch!
我卡住了 I'm stuck!
那么你的雌龟呢 Hubert? So where's your lady tortoise, Hubert?
雌啥? Lady whuh?
等下 她就在那 Wait, there she is!
过了这么多年 我又找到了她 After all these years, I've found her!
亲爱的 Oh, my darling!
你一点也没变老 You haven't aged a day!
我们应该说点啥吗? Should we say something?
别 让他享受他那乐趣吧 Nah. Let him have his fun.
好吧 All right.
我们做些爱做的事情 Let's just do what comes naturally.
开始时我会稍微伸长脖子 I'll get things started with a little neck extension...
然后踢两下 Then a couple of these...
开始吧 And here we go!
你到底在做什么? What the tropical hell are you doing?!
啥? Whuh?
我等了你一百年了 I've been saving myself for a hundred years,
而你就是这么对我的吗? and this is how you repay me?
那个讨厌的硬壳子是谁? Who is that hard-shelled skank?
我杀了她 I'll kill her!
等等 听我解释… Wait, I can explain...
闭嘴 shut up!
我要像对待淫荡的巴西胡桃一样 刨出这贱人的五脏六腑 I'm going to crack that hussy open like a slutty Brazil nut!
一岛不容二龟 This volcanic archipelago isn't big enough for the both of us.
你就这么倒着吧 Yeah, you'd better topple.
你从来都是这么一个热血美女 You always were a hot-blooded latina.
像所有爬行类一样 Like all reptiles,
加拉帕格斯象龟也是冷血动物 the Galápagos tortoise is cold-blooded.
好的 脖子 踢 踢 爬 爬 然后… Okay, neck, tap, tap, climb, climb, and...
我们开始正经事 We're back in business.
我们能看这场面吗? Um, should we be watching this?
这是人家的私事耶 It seems kind of personal.
这可不是我们能管得了的 That's not an issue for us.
我们是野生动物 We're wildlife.
那这呻吟呢? What about the moaning?
我们听合适吗? Is it okay to listen?
当然 但要表现成这没什么大不了的 Sure, but act like it's no big deal.
就装作你在吃种子 Just pretend you're eating seeds.
要是聊他的变态象龟鸡鸡 会不会很猥琐? Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis?
不会 No.
好吧 那么就这样了 Well, okay then.
是啊 感觉不错 Yes, it's been lovely.
等一下 Hang on a second.
加拉帕格斯象龟 The Galápagos tortoise
一窝产6-15个蛋 lays a clutch of between six and 15 eggs.
你还想怎样? 我都150岁了 Oh, what do you want? I'm 150 years old.
等一下 等一下 等一下 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
你们不去照顾你们的孩子吗? Aren't you going to watch over your young?
象龟可不做这些事情 是吧? Tortoises don't do that, do we?
我十分确定 不做 I sure as hell don't.
不管怎样 我已经完成我的工作了 Anyway, I've done my part.
种族得救了 The species is saved!
干得好 Good job!
就这样 平塔岛象龟这一种族得以延续 And so, the survival of the Pinta island tortoise is assured.
4-8个月后
妈妈 Mama!
就这样 平塔岛象龟这一种族完全灭绝了 And so, the extinction of the Pinta island tortoise is assured.
20亿年的进化灰飞烟灭 200 million years of evolution, snuffed out.
最终 大自然还是可怕的 For in the end, nature is horrific,
也没给我们带来什么教训 and teaches us nothing.
接下来 Coming up next,
海象的欢乐闹剧 the hilarious antics of the elephant seal,
它可是大海中的小丑 The clown of the sea.
海象
自然界中所有的壮观奇景 Of all the spectacles in nature,
都不及海象们的交配仪式 few can match the mating ritual of the elephant seal.
当然那些鲑鱼是比不上的 Certainly not the salmon.
象龟呢? And the tortoise?
是啊 你们懂的 Yeah, right.
巨大又笨拙的雄海象保卫着沙滩上一小片领地 The huge, lumbering males defend patches of beach
好阻止他们的对手进入繁殖地带 to deny their rivals access to the breeding grounds.
和人类社会一个样 Just as in human society,
只有最大 最讨厌的雄性才有机会交配 only the biggest, most obnoxious males have any chance of mating.
没错 Aw, yeah!
肥者生存 Survival of the fattest!
雄性统治者 又称为"海滩之王" The dominant male, or "beachmaster,"
拥有50只雌性作为后宫 maintains a harem of up to 50 females.
好啦 妻妾们 我们开始 Okay, harem, let's get to it.
按顺序堆到我身上来 Form an orderly heap on top of me.
我喜欢和海滩之王交配 因为他最大只 I like mating with beachmaster 'cause he's the largest.
当海滩之王沉浸在他的统治性地位中时… While the beachmaster enjoys the spoils of victory...
我可以边睡觉边交配 I'm doin' it in my sleep!
小个的雄海象畏缩在角落里 ...the lesser males languish at the edge of the colony,
因为各种原因 他们找不到伴侣 有的因为年龄… unable to attract their own harem due to age...
啊?! 我根本看不清她们 Harem?! I can barely see 'em!
有的因为不成熟… Immaturity...
我害怕 I'm scared.
…或者其他原因 ...or other reasons.
我不确定… Hmm. I don't know...
我戴这条海带围巾看起来够胖吗? Does this kelp scarf make me look fat enough?
这太不公平了 It's so unfair.
所有女的都给了那个死肥球 That bloated Casanova gets all the ladies!
连那个有着精致双下巴的美女也是他的 Even that one with the exquisite fat rolls.
滚开 垃圾们 Back off, losers!
离我的沙滩远点 Stay away from my beaches!
你个讨厌的混球 You big bully!
去亲我充满油脂的刚蜕皮的屁股吧 Bite my freshly molted, blubber-filled ass.
你只是一大块脂肪而已 You're just a giant lump of fat!
你确定你有屁股吗?! Do you even have an ass under there?!
我的40%都是屁股 I'm 40% ass!
面对现实吧 Now beat it!
要打败海滩之王看来是没戏了 With no hope of defeating the beachmaster,
有些叫做"采花贼"的雄海象采取了更有风险的策略 some so-called "sneaky" males adopt a risky strategy...
就是趁着他睡觉或者不注意的时候偷偷上他的佳丽们 attempting to mate with one of his harem while he is asleep or distracted.
今年你们谁想做采花贼? So, any of you guys thinking
今年你们谁想做采花贼? of being a sneaky male this season?
今年? This season?
海象不用总说实话 Walrus don't need no chicanery.
曾经有个美女来到我身边 她… Once a lady goes walrus, she never...
她… She ne...
从来没人理过我 No one ever goes walrus.
现在我已经有点老了 I'm a little old for it now,
但当年我还年轻时 采花可是一把好手 but in my prime, I was quite the sneaker.
你是怎么做的? How did you do it?
当海滩之王在一头鲸鱼尸体的后面 Well, while the beachmaster was off behind a whale carcass,
大声地和我亲爱的老妈翻云覆雨的时候 loudly fornicating with my beloved mother,
我偷偷地给了我的小情人一份浪漫的美餐 I snuck past and surprised my sweetie with a romantic meal.
一份浪漫美餐是吧? A romantic meal, eh?
为了寻找美餐 海象潜到了其他哺乳动物到不了的深度 The search for food takes the elephant seal to depths few other mammals can reach.
在这漆黑一片的深渊 In this pitch-black abyss,
生物形态变得奇异而恐怖 life takes on bizarre and horrific forms.
欢迎来到深渊 So, welcome to the abyss.
搭顺风车咯 Road trip!
杀光企鹅… Kill all penguins...
杀光企鹅 Kill all penguins.
你疯了吗? What's the matter with you!?
你刚刚把我们的七个宝宝都压死了 You just crushed seven of our babies!
是吗 我们总能再生的 Yeah, we can always make more.
来吧 荡妇们 让我们再生产 Come on, floozies, let's repopulate!
正当海滩之王忙着的时候 With the beachmaster occupied,
采花贼开始行动了 the sneaky male makes his move.
我真不敢相信你居然来了 I can't believe you came!
如果被海滩之王发现 他会杀了你的 The beachmaster'll kill you if he finds out!
话说 你是谁? Also, who are you?
我爱你 I'm in love with you!
我不在乎他怎么想 And I don't care what he thinks.
看 我给你带了点东西 Here, I brought you something.
太好了 Hooray!
我们是海滩三人组 We're three friends at the beach!
等等 怎么啦 朋友? Wait, what's happening, friend?
雌海象用一种微妙的发音方式来表达自己的接受之意 The female conveys her receptivity through subtle vocalizations.
想来一发吗? Wanna do it?
这么快?! So soon?!
好吧… Oh, well...
采花贼 恩? Sneaky male, eh?
我想我警告过你… I thought I told you...
额滴神啊… Oh, my...!
- 你有种 - 祝你明年好运 - 你尽力了 - Well, nice try. - Better luck next season. - You gave it a shot!
傻鸟 Pathetic.
抱歉你没有采成功 Sorry you didn't get to mate.
但是 我们还可以玩沙滩游戏 But, hey, we can still play some beach games.
谁想来玩扭扭乐? Who's up for some twister?
不 No!
我们经济适用男应该活得更好 We beta males deserve better.
如果掌权的是我们 我们会善待雌性 When we're in charge, we'll treat females with respect,
一人最多只能有五个老婆 keeping sensible harems of no more than five.
从我开始 And it begins with me.
先生 我要和你单挑来决定谁是这片海滩的领主 Sir, I challenge you to a duel for control of the beach!
等等… Aw, hang on...
好吧 来打一架吧 Okay, let's fight.
你自找的 Aw, that's it.
好好先生就做到这里了 No more Mr. nice-jerk.
战斗通常会持续很久 The battle will rage for hours,
直至双方精疲力尽或者死掉 until both males are exhausted or dead.
海滩之王 别打了 Beachmaster, stop fighting!
他昨天就翘辫子了 He's been dead since yesterday!
什么?! 他死了?! What?! He's dead?!
我能梦中杀人 I'm killin' dudes in my sleep!
哟 清理现场 Yo! Clean up!
就这样 And so, with the threat
威胁在海滩之王的绝对优势下被消灭了 to the beachmaster's supremacy eliminated,
秩序又恢复了 直至次年 order is restored for another year.
又一年 又一代幼崽 Another year, another generation of pups
我的血统 海滩之王 fathered by me, beachmaster.
我最棒 宝贝 I'm the greatest, baby!
对 你最棒 海滩之王 You go, beachmaster!
我们本次的地球之旅就到这里 And so concludes our exploration of planet earth.
需要把本次节目下载到脑子里的观众 For a holographic brain injection of tonight's program,
请寄5美元到这个电台 send five dollars to this station
可怜一下我这个旁白 care of me, the narrator.
晚安 Good night.
Mutual of Omicron Mutual of omicron.
给你的星球买保险了吗? Have you insured your planet?